Thinking

"Oh, instincts are misleading
You shouldn't think what you're feeling"

How many times have I come to this conclusion yet I always find my way back to crazy thoughts which should have no place in my life? I think weird things, wrong things, disturbing things, and know that I shouldn't be thinking them. I also think great things, wonderful things, things which fill my heart with joy. I have fantastic realizations yet am constantly bombarded by disturbing thoughts. Thoughts about people I love, people I hate, and people who I really don't know. In a perfect world these thoughts wouldn't exist, or they'd at least be benign. In this reality those thoughts are malignant. They seep into the world around me and infect what was once healthy. They take something pure and destroy it with desire. They take something satisfying and ruin it by making me want more. They make me suspicious, they make me second guess people's intentions. They try to put bad intentions in my head, when all I really want is to be happy with everything. I want to be at peace, but I'm almost always at war with these thoughts or at war with something else because of them. I take pleasure in being innocent, I love being "pure", a good person. These thoughts however, always find  a way of taking that from me. They come out of nowhere, and invade my mind. They take over and soon I begin to believe what I'm thinking. They turn me into something I'm not, and then make me think that I'm what they've made me.

I need to stop thinking again. How many philosophers have said: "Don't think" and yet I can't help but fall back into this hole, over and over again. I've already covered this in an earlier post (where I also talked about how what you think is different from what you feel), but apparently I've learned nothing from it. I've told myself over and over again, and I've even gone long stretches without thought, but somehow thinking always comes back. Like a virus it lays dormant and then flares up again. The longest I've ever gone while actively trying to suppress my thoughts was about a month. What can I say about this month? It was arguably the best month of my life. I was entirely happy with life and myself. What happened? One morning I woke up hungover, and spent an hour or two thinking while lying in bed. At the end of that session I picked up my cell and replied to the girl's best friend who told me not to say anything about her making out with my friend's best friend. I had initially decided to not reply, but my thoughts told me to do it, so I did. Over the course of the next hour everything came crashing down and it was three months before I saw the girl again... and she acted like nothing happened. She had deleted me off of facebook (funny, I know, but facebook meant a lot to her) and left an angry message for me. This is where thinking gets you. I'm going to try not thinking again.